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NFL Power Rankings: Dallas Cowboys Lead The Way

The NFL Power Rankings are out, and it's really hard to argue with the list that's been constructed here. I mean, you're really going to have a lot of trouble refuting that the Dallas Cowboys are number one here.

We rank the NFL teams by current backup quarterbacks. Put it this way. If any of these guys are starting a significant portion of the season, you're going to be staring at Mel Kiper's oily hair a lot more in the upcoming months.

1. Dallas Cowboys - Jon Kitna. The anti-Tony Romo. Reliable, steady, harmless. He will provide you instant averageness at the quarterback position. If Jerry Jones cared at all about his fanbase's mental stability, it's clear who he should start.

2. Pittsburgh Steelers - Charlie Batch. Roethlisberger looks like he's mortally wounded. Batch starts warming up. Big Ben gets up and goes straight to the huddle. Batch never seen again. Tragic.

3. Detroit Lions - Shaun Hill. To most teams, the holy grail of backup QBs. To the Lions, a harbinger of gloom, because 7-9 is on its way.

4. Green Bay Packers - Matt Flynn. He nearly beat the Patriots that one time on Sunday Night Football. You know, that Patriots defense that's been shredded by any live body with a half-decent arm.

5. Tennessee Titans - Jake Locker. Sure he can only complete every other pass, but let's drag this illusion on as long as we possibly can.

6. Baltimore Ravens - Tyrod Taylor. Tantalizing at this moment, only because the Ravens defense will eventually ruin him in practice.

7. Arizona Cardinals - John Skelton (from the football powerhouse Fordham). If you watch this highlight reel, you'd think Skelton was the next Joe Flacco. Now, if only the Cornell defense can be subbed in for the Jets 46, we've got the man of the future here. Sure beats watching Kevin Kolb.

8. New Orleans Saints - Chase Daniel. Chase Daniel is what a backup quarterback is all about--a virtual unknown who might do things if given the chance. Unfortunately, he's in the wrong place to prove himself. Too bad.

9. Oakland Raiders - Kyle Boller. Man, that arm, man, he can throw it deep man. Four verticals and we're showing our East Bay style. They should just throw that ball up and away, and that team's gonna do things, man.

10. Chicago Bears - Caleb Hanie. Mike McCarthy nearly went from Super Bowl Champion to "fired for losing to dude taking his first real snaps ever as NFL quarterback." Still one of the more mystifying things you'll ever see.14.

11. San Francisco 49ers - Colin Kaepernick. This is what an NFL quarterback in the larvae stage looks like.

12. San Diego Chargers - Billy Volek. Remember when he upset the Colts in that AFC Divisional game with that fourth quarter drive? How can top-line NFL defenses be so bad against backup quarterbacks in the playoffs?

13. Cleveland Browns - Seneca Wallace. You can talk yourself into Seneca Wallace. You can pretend you really want Seneca Wallace out there. Then he's out there. And you're kind of lost for the rest of the experience, and you're not sure what you just watched.

14. Denver Broncos - Brady Quinn. You'll know he's in the game once you see Denver burning to the ground on your nightly news.

15. New York Giants- David Carr. Hey, some 49ers fans still want him, right?

16. Cincinnati Bengals - Bruce Gradkowski. He should be higher on this list. But falling behind a ginger rookie QB isn't just a slap in the face, it's an elbow to the groin. 

17. Philadelphia Eagles - Mike Kafka. Worth it for the millions of jokes about cockroaches. Not really worth it for much anything else.

18. New York Jets - Mark Brunell. He does a real good job holding the football.

19. Buffalo Bills - Tyler ThigpenNever seen a more thorough Wikipedia entry for a dude who played average football for one season, then was barely heard from again.  No one can say Chiefs fans aren't thorough in their explanations.

20. Atlanta Falcons - Chris Redman. When Bobby Petrino was done rotating a washed-up Byron Leftwich and an eternally washed-up Joey Harrington, in came Redman.  That Redman was batting cleanup to those two is like watching a three-legged dog.

21. Washington Redskins - John Beck. He started half the season for perhaps the most unwatchable football team of the last decade. So he's got that.

22. St. Louis Rams - A.J. Feeley. He was number one last decade. Multiple years I'm thinking.

23. Seattle Seahawks - Charlie Whitehurst. Remember that pass to Ruvell Martin? Someone does. Someone does.

24. Houston Texans - Matt Leinart. All the Texans need to do is bring in Reggie Bush and Vince Young, and Mario Williams can spend the rest of his football career doing the Nelson Muntz routine on them.

25. Minnesota Vikings - Christian Ponder. The guy the Vikings drafted to show they were serious about tanking for Andrew Luck.

26. Miami Dolphins - Matt Moore. You know, the guy who got benched for Jimmy Clausen.

27. New England Patriots - Brian Hoyer. Bill Belichick will make this guy look like Jeff Garcia.  Then when he gets traded, he'll land someone else in the lottery.

28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Josh Johnson. If you could run the Nebraska I option offense in the NFL, he'd be tops. But no, clearly impossible.

 

29. Jacksonville Jaguars - Luke McCown. The McCowns are the Kardashians of football. You don't know why they're around, you don't know why people care about them, and you feel like football/civilization is teetering on the edge of total breakdown because they're able to suit up and play on Sundays for an NFL team.

30. Carolina Panthers - Jimmy Clausen. Just to make Panthers feel a little bit less happy that Cam Newton's their quarterback, remember those two words every time he scrambles into open field.

31. Kansas City Chiefs - Tyler Palko. Cut by a UFL team once. If the Chiefs had any guts about putting their horse in the Luck sweepstakes, they'd start him RIGHT NOW.

32. Indianapolis Colts - Dan Orlovsky. You know why.