Jose Canseco Wants To Be a DH, Because He's Totally Nuts

Remember when Jose Canseco was trying to get teams to sign him to be their designated hitter, claiming that he's "still got it?" I do, because it happened on Sunday. Canseco apparently saw the movie "Moneyball" and it worked him up into a lather, so much so that he tried getting Billy Beane to call him. He has since started calling local newspapers to campaign for a job as the DH for the Oakland Athletics, among other teams.

Joe Stiglich of the Contra Costa Times conducted a phone interview with Canseco on Tuesday regarding his insistence via his Twitter feed that he's going to get back into baseball this year. The interview included this explanation which is crazy, sad and gross all at once. Grosscraysad.

I'm trying my hardest and damndest. I can't get anybody to give me a chance. I saw the movie "Moneyball", and I was amazed at what Billy had to go through. I guess if you love something ... that movie really got my juices flowing. I love baseball, people don't know that about me. I miss it so much.

I don't know where to start. Perhaps it is revealing that Canseco watched a movie based on a true story and felt that he was now intimately familiar with the trials and tribulations of Billy Beane. But I think it's more revealing that the film "really got his juices flowing." It makes sense that Canseco uses colloquialisms that he heard in old episodes of Married...With Children, because he's been stuck in 1995 since probably about 1989.

For the full range of out-of-touchness displayed by Canseco recently, here's a full barrage of his Tweets from the past week.

He especially loved the part about Billy Beane! By which I guess he means the "movie" part.

Well that's just kind of shameless pandering, really. Especially since Jose is just sort of sending these tweets out into the ether and saying stuff like "congrats Billy" and trusting that if you whisper a name into your Twitter machine that it works like an exceptionally smart and less-feathery carrier pigeon.

Here's where it really starts going off the rails.

Giving out his email address is probably the first time that he displays any inclination that he knows how the internet works, but how shocking is it that his email address isn't through either AOL or Earthlink? Pretty shocking, I would say!

I think that last one is in code of some sort. Some type of cloak-and-dagger shenanigans.

uh

Now he's got some sort of James Joyce/Luis Bunuel free-writing thing going on.

Yes, obviously. But don't take it as some sort of personal--

welp

Please keep in mind that Jose Canseco is 47 years old. Although he is in terrific shape (WINK WINK WINK COUGH AHEM), he has been out of baseball for years and is also, as previously mentioned, 47 years old.

Sources say that after Canseco finished his most recent tweet, he retired to his couch, stuck his hand in the waistband of his trousers, and repeated the phrase, "Uh, no, Peg." aloud to himself for 45 minutes.

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