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Super Bowl 2012 Halftime Show: Madonna? NFL Can't Find The Pulse, But It Could Be Worse (And Has Been)

There are scores of people talking about not wanting to watch this year's Super Bowl, for one reason or another. On one hand, most of the people I hear from are bitter fans of the San Francisco 49ers who just want nothing to do with football until they can see the red and gold in action again. On the other hand, the rematch between the New England Patriots and New York Giants simply isn't compelling.

But if there was one reason that you absolutely should pay attention to this year's Super Bowl ... if there was one thing that should draw your attention like a shining beacon of watchability, it should be ... Madonna. Yes, the Queen of Pop in all her splendor is about to take the stage and wow her audience by pushing the boundaries with hard-hitting lyrics, being a polarizing religious figure and, of course, her diverse musical arsenal.

Also, it's apparently 1984.

Much like it was the early 70s in 2010, the mid-seventies in 2009, the early 80s in 2008, the late 80s in 2007 and the late 70s in 2006. And because 2011 actually featured a somewhat recent band, we'll just pretend that Usher and Slash were still relevant, and that the Black Eyed Peas weren't the most terrible hip-hop group of the last ten years. And that's saying something.

So yes, with their fingers jabbed far, far up somebody's rectum and nowhere near the pulse, the NFL has gone with Madonna as this year's Superbowl Haltime performer. On top of that, Cirque du Soleil will be present for something overrated, party rockers LMFAO will show up just to say "OMG LOOK AT OUR NAME IKR IMHO IT'S THE BEST NAME EVAAAR! <3 <3" before playing terrible music that nobody actually likes, and Cee Lo Green will pretend to play piano while drinking a Big Gulp of 7Up.

The whole show will be held together by whatever plastics are keeping all of Madonna's parts in the right places, which hopefully is inside of whatever garment the NFL is hoping won't fail. That's why they brought her in, of course. Immediately after we got the nip slip a couple years back, we had Tom Petty pelvic thrusting the camera for about a minute straight, with audiences left wondering why exactly the Heartbreakers were led by a man who obviously steals bananas and possibly has some sort of potassium deficiency to the affect that he has to carry one at all times (thanks to 2003's Super Bowl performer for teaching me how to spell that word), and since then, the NFL has been so damn afraid to put anyone out there who is, you know, not old and boring.

Don't get me wrong, Prince is basically the most sexiful person on the planet at this point, but he's irrelevant. The fact that my girlfriend isn't safe from his shining luster doesn't make the fact that he played the halftime show any better. The only saving grace to the fact that the NFL has probably dug up enough fossils to start a museum is the fact that "new and fresh" likely means "Nickelback."

And for the love of God, please no more Nickelback.