The Illinois Fighting Illini and the UCLA Bruins are playing in the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl at AT&T Park in San Francisco. The action has been as riveting as it has well-played, which is to say, "nope." Heading into the final quarter, Illinois has taken a 10-7 lead off of a pick-six by Terry Hawthorne with 0:43 left in the third quarter.
The most notable thing about the third quarter, other than that interception and touchdown, is that Illinois has a linebacker named "Whitney Mercilus." By sheer coincidence, I have just written a treatment for a script called "Whitney the Merciless," about a wisecracking, confident, single barbarian, to be played by America's sweetheart, Whitney Cummings.
Whitney the Merciless wanders the countryside, striking fear into the hearts of the denizens of the barren, snow-covered land of Illinitonia. One day, Whitney the Merciless finds a golden amulet, which contains a map to a land of untold riches. With her trusty band of miscreants, yadda yadda yadda learns a valuable lesson about true wealth, blah blah blah finds out that her crusty exterior keeps her from the happiness that lies within.
I just need to ship that off to whatever studio it is that keeps greenlighting Nicolas Cage movies and you'll probably be seeing that in theaters in six months. And then on DVD and Blu-Ray like three weeks after that.
Coming up next: the senses-shaking conclusion! (Of the game, sadly.)
To discuss the matchup with UCLA football fans, go to Bruins Nation. To talk about the matchup with Illinois football fans, head to Hail to the Orange.