Is it time to overreact yet? Well, the San Francisco 49ers just played a preseason game - so of course it is! Unlike past years, most overreactions related to this 49ers team will be positive ones, not built from desperation. Sure, over at Niners Nation we joke around about "Player X Was Our Future!" after said player is cut following a stellar preseason performance, but in reality, posts like those are born of desperation. Looking for the savior of the franchise - trying to find that diamond in the rough to lead a troubled team to the promised land.
San Francisco doesn't need that, because Jim Harbaugh is a badass. So without further ado (first person to try and correct me and say it's "adieu" gets a palm strike), let's get some glorious overreactions based on what we saw in the 49ers' 17-6 victory over the Minnesota Vikings on Friday:
- Aldon Smith actually hates standing upright and faked an injury to his right knee so the 49ers will let him just rush the passer. Yep, it's true. I do the same thing when people ask me to do the dishes .. you break a few priceless pieces of china and nobody wants you at the sink anymore.
- Scott Tolzien is a mother effing stud and will probably send that pansy Alex Smith back to the bench where he belongs. The guy looked like Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers donated to some crazy sperm-synchronization project and it was used to impregnate Serena Williams or some other equally scary/awesome female and Tolzien chucked footballs at her stomach lining until he burst through in a 49ers uniform. He'll send Alex "Ouch My Shoulder!" Smith packing.
- Kendall Hunter, Brandon Jacobs, Frank Gore, LaMichael James and Anthony Dixon will all make the roster and have 1,000-yard seasons. You heard it here first. The direct snap will become a staple, intermixed with fakes to Demarcus Dobbs and someone else who's totally unfit to play the tight end position.
- Rock Cartwright, on the other hand, will have way more yards than that. The guy is OUR FUTURE, so long as "our future" can be correctly classified as "this year, maybe next, because he's really old."
- The entire offensive line should be cut until they learn how not to false start. Hit up the free agent market to replace them all. Well, we can keep Leonard Davis. He can just play that "flex" line position and be both the center and right guard. Alternatively, we can cut him in half and he can play both guard spots.
- Jim Harbaugh hasn't changed out of that outfit since they made him pose for that lame family photo during the Harbowl.
- Oh my God Demarcus Dobbs is stupidly good. Just stupidly good on defense. Replace Justin Smith with him immediately.
- TIM TEBOW
- One of these days, a cornerback is just going to beat the ever-loving piss out of Dashon Goldson. I don't know if he truly was out of place when Carlos Rogers gave up 50 yards to a guy whose name I forgot immediately after they said it, but Rogers was pretty close to laying the smacketh downeth.
- Andy Lee might actually be TOO GOOD to play football.
What do you mean half of those weren't overreactions and that most of them were just idiotic rants penned at 2:00 in the morning? What do you mean that's not what you just said at all? I DON'T CARE LEAVE ME ALONE! Thanks for reading, ya'll.